By: Cherry Moriones Doromal
Just got back home from another fantastic family weekend
where we celebrated my older son Zekie’s 13th birthday. Wow! Now, we
have a teenager in the family!
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| Zekie's 13th birthday cake by Dusit Thani Hotel |
Although I’m generally pleased and grateful about what’s
going on with my life, I must admit that I, somehow, have this
ambivalence towards seeing the kids grow up in a flash. In a matter of years, the
children become adults, and reality dictates they will have to walk their way
to the future by themselves. Hahah, separation anxiety attacks the mom this
early!
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Zekie and Strong present this lovely celebration cake by Corniche, Diamond Hotel
(Photobomb: nephew Eon on background,hahah) |
Anyway, I’m inspired to write this blog for special friends
who are currently undergoing tight circumstances in their marriage and family
life. A number of Facebook friends would message me regularly to ask for advice
on love and marriage, thinking that mine is a perfect marriage and that I’m in
authority to give sound advice.
First off, “thanks for the trust”. Secondly, “mine is not a
perfect marriage”, and lastly, “… but, we have a perfect God in this family that
makes this marriage survive life’s situations where we learn together as a
couple each day.”
Having been married to a police officer, it’s quite a challenge
that I have to take extra efforts to balance my level of understanding, support
and love to my better half versus my personal priorities and major decisions we
have to take as a couple-- from where to establish our residence and how long, where
to send the kids in school, whether to work, or be a full-time homemaker,
etcetera. We are aware that a single
decision may strengthen or be a threat to the family life; therefore, my
husband and I decided to set and work towards our
priorities, bearing in mind their long term repercussions in the family.
Since the lifetime of an officer is a realizable daily journey
on roads to temptations attacking family and personal values, working on a strong
relationship is an enduring process.
But, actually, it doesn’t really matter what your husband’s
profession is, whether he is a businessman, a politician or a street sweeper,
temptations or the so-called "test of values" are everywhere. Why? Because we’re
on earth, we can’t choose the situations and people we bump into each day.
Then, emanates the test of one’s character along the way. Hence, the wife has a special role in guiding
her husband and in bringing the husband back to his senses, just in case the
latter derails from his values.
Girls, I feel like I have so much in my heart to share, but
for now, let me simplify the points into two, which are:
1. Trust your spouse. Love cannot stand alone without trust. It’s the foundation of
a smooth and lasting relationship. Otherwise, your home will be jam-packed with
paranoia, pointless fights, baseless terror, and tension. However, by
trust, I don’t mean being vulnerable to being cheated. Therefore, go ahead, wives, check on the
whereabouts and activities of your husbands-- in a nice way!
And a special note to the husband: Remember that it’s your wife’s right to know your engagements as she’s your other half. It’s a basic act of love and respect that you are transparent to your wife. Moreover, it will help keep away worries. Take it as a proactive approach to help you resist or prevent bad choices, should there be any.
2. Expect the
best, but be ready for the worst. To
think that you’ll separate or go on divorce one day isn’t proper. Scientifically, biblically and medically speaking, positive thinking yields multifarious
benefits. And so, it’s all worthwhile to
think positive and to practice the “law of attraction” with respect to your
marriage.
So, now you have a picture of a perfect relationship
in your head. But what if your husband betrays
your trust?
Compose yourself for a tough decision. And here, you will
have to decide on a personal and case-to-case basis. Are you willing to keep the relationship or are
you leaving your husband? Will you treat yourself as a victim or as a survivor?
Upon weighing the ins and outs of the circumstance,
and assuming you decided to keep your relationship and be a “survivor” rather
than a “victim” of betrayal, anticipate an arduous process that you have to go through. Then brood over the following:
a. Counseling. You
may need counseling from a respected confidante, a trusted minister or a
marriage counselor. For counseling sessions on how to go about the process, I
would recommend that the spouses go together, so that both sides may be heard,
for better understanding of the situation, and for mutual support.
Furthermore, as much as possible, don’t go to
your parents or parents-in-law to
disparage your spouse, as more often than not, it creates a lasting
vilifying impression against the erring party and in the end, impairing
the family relationship.
b.
Pray without ceasing. And that is: Pray
when alone. Pray with your husband. Pray with your family. What’s good about praying is that it has no
inhibitions—cry, shout, whisper, sing… it’s up to you. And it works!
c. Forgive. Totally! I know this is much easier said
than done; nevertheless, without total forgiveness, there will be no healing.
Without forgiveness, you cannot move on with your life, even after hundreds of
years.
Forgiveness
is a crucial stage of the show where you and your husband will have to be
strong partners rather than enemies. Although, betrayal is never right, it’s
not something you deserve, and is never fair in all respects…the situation is
not only about you. In reality, your husband is also struggling within himself
due to guilt and desire to win your trust back.
Reputable
psychologists, behavioral scientists and educators agree, and I certainly agree
with them, that humans are naturally capable of learning from their mistakes
and experiences; furthermore, they are capable of changing for the better.
Finally, once you totally
forgive, go back to No. 1 (Trust your spouse) and No. 2 (Expect the best and be
ready for the worst).
How far have you been traveling in this life? How long will it take you to finish your
journey? How important is your marriage and family to you?
Life is a short and temporary cycle of (1) TRUST or DISTRUST,
(2) EXPECTATIONS, (3) FULFILLMENT or DISAPPOINTMENT and (4) FORGIVENESS or
UNFORGIVENESS… And regardless of our individual differences and personal choices, there is only one ultimate rule that binds
the entire humanity: LOVE.
Here's a song that perfectly goes with this blog:
SORRY by Cherry Moriones Doromal
